Note #4: The search for self

How far back must I search, in my endeavour to understand and unravel from the patterns and conditioning through which I have lived my life?  The experiences imprinted on me which lead to my choices? To my parents? My ancestors?  My cultural heritage? Or do I start at the fundamental root of life naturally expressed as a human?

My mind, filled with thoughts, perceptions, interpretations from gathered experiences; a collection of data, has been running the show.  My feelings of disconnect and discontent stem from living life from the neck up. A place where I reside as the observer of my life, rather than living in the full felt experience of it.

I have wondered about the notion of the search for self, as though it is a destination. That I will ‘find myself’ beneath layers upon layers of programming. It feels like another new age dangling carrot, where we are endlessly seeking for a place we will never really arrive.  I really won’t know until I begin the deconstruction process, the unlearning, and re-learning with a more wholistic integrative narrative.

Truth is, I have never been separate or disconnected from anything, but I have been conditioned to see myself as separate. To live in the perceived isolation of my mind.

I was indeed living in my head. That illusionary place of safety where I did not have to feel, but could observe and analyze and have some sense of being in control. I lived compartmentalized, categorized, always separate, always living in a past or future moment, living from the dictates of a society moving farther and farther away from any experience of connectedness.

Photo courtesy of Jasper van der Meij on Unsplash.com