Note #5: Taking the leap

Sitting in front of my excel spreadsheet and looking over my finances, I felt a sinking feeling inside. How in the world am I going to make the changes and live the life I desire, when not even that is crystal clear at this point, and finances do not dictate a vast amount of time to sit back and figure it all out!

If I based my next decisions, in fact if I based any of my decisions lately from a financial perspective. I would be living in the same home, going to the same job, feeling the same way inside.  Essentially, nothing in my life would have changed, except perhaps a few more visits to the doctor as I would continue to have stress and depressed related issues.  Nothing would have changed.

I have to say here, that, my life has changed, and continues to change, but none of this has come without stress, worry, a mountain of emotion and insecurity. You see, I don’t want to paint a picture of simply deciding to change my life, and in the next paragraph, have landed, and oh isn’t this wonderful, everyone, come this way, do what I did and you too will change your life.

This has been the hardest endeavour I have ever taken, and it is filled with moments of clarity mixed with moments of being terrified beyond words, moving blindly, feeling my way through the external  and internal chatter saying…What the hell are you doing?

But beneath the incessant chatter, beneath the anxiety and fear, there is a nudging, a knowing that has not manifested as a clear vision, but a nudging that is requiring me to learn to trust, believe, and move beyond my own understanding.

To take a leap of faith, requires courage and a willingness to be open to transformation in whatever form it may need to take.  To change my story, requires living beyond my comfort zone, and learning to trust myself and the process of transformation itself.

All I know is that once I take the leap, I will not remain the same. I will have taken the first crucial step away from my known self, into the chaos where the world of possibility exists.